


When I'm Gone

by WHIMWriter



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, F/F, Friendship, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 22:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13580421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WHIMWriter/pseuds/WHIMWriter
Summary: "When I'm gone, please remember these words. Chaeyoung, I love you."





	When I'm Gone

[texting conversation between Mina and Chaeyoung]

SChae: hey, you on?

MMina: yep. why?

SChae: I dunno. at school today...

you ok?

I mean

u looked pretty

idk

pale

MMina: oh

...

Mina is typing...

yeah

i've been kind of tired lately

mom said i was pale, too

guess i'm catching the bug that's going around

 

SChae: better not.

midterms are coming up

MMina: ik

i studied so hard

i can't miss it

SChae: ok

i have to do homework

ill talk later, k?

MMina: sure

[end of conversation]

* * *

 

* * *

She's not here. Chaeyoung looked around the classroom and noticed that her usually very punctual friend was nowhere to be seen. She must be really sick if she didn't come. Mina was a straight-A student who could never break the rules and always stayed on the safe side of things, which is probably why most of their classmates called her "no-jam". Chaeyoung didn't care. Mina was fun and goofy when they were alone, but tended to clam up in public, and also a reason why she didn't have many friends.

"Class is starting," the instructor tapped her ruler on the desk to bring order. "We will begin with Math, then head on to Korean, English, History, Geography, Social Studies, and so forth," she announced as she scribbled the timetable on the board behind her.

It's just so odd... Chaeyoung thought as she pulled out her pens and textbook. I'll message her later.

She walked out of the classroom at the end of the day and stretched her arms. It felt good to get the stiffness out of her joints after sitting all day going over quadratic equations and the history of lower paleolithic eras. Then she remembered what she had been meaning to do all day. Message Mina.

* * *

SChae: Hey

....

how are u?

you werent in class

Mina is tying...

MMina: hey

yeah

sry about that

i really wasn't feeling well today

so my mom made me stay home

my immune system still

hasn't recharged from my last cold, I guess

i'll probably be there tomorrow, and if not.. .

i'll text you first

SChae: oh

ok

yeah

ttyl

* * *

 

It seemed like Mina was sick for a couple more days, and it made Chaeyoung anxious; she felt a bit lonely without her best friend to talk to, and the walk home from school was especially lonesome. They hadn't even messaged each other recently and it made her worry too much. Hopefully, she'd get better soon and they would make up all the lost time.

She never did.

Chaeyoung was in the middle of washing her face before dinner when the phone rang and her mom picked it up.

"Yes?" The sing-songy lilt in her mother's voice always made her cringe just the tiniest bit. "Oh yes, yes...mmhmm...I see." Chaeyoung didn't have a penchant for eavesdropping but for some reason, today she strained to hear the voice on the other line. "Oooh dear...oh my goodness...yes...yes...oh good gracious...yes, I'll tell her. Goodbye now."

Chaeyoung felt something cold growing in the pit of her stomach as her mom turned to her with a grave expression. "Chaeyoung, I just got a phone call from Mrs. Myoui. Mina is very, very sick right now. She's at the hospital and they're running all kinds of diagnostics to figure out what's wrong." Her mother lifted a finger and wiped under her eye. "Chaeyoung..."

"Mom, what is it?" She felt the panic rising in her throat as her mother laid a hand on her shoulder. Something obviously was wrong. The Sons and the Myouis were great friends so there must be something dreadful going on.

"They think it might be cancer."

Suddenly, the world seemed to stop. Everything came to a complete halt and the wind was knocked out of Chaeyoung's chest. She couldn't breathe at all. She fought to speak, but there was an invisible hand wrapped around her neck like the coils of a serpent and her words were drowned out by the harsh sounds of crashing waves in her ears. This can't be happening. This shouldn't be happening.

"No..." she whispered, then louder, with strength. "No! No, no, no!"

She turned and ran, leaving her upset mother standing in the kitchen. She fled up the stairs and into her room and grabbed her phone. Rolling onto her back on her bed, she opened the chat window and frantically typed:

SChae: Hey!

Mina!

Where are you?

Where did you go?

She felt a bit of relief seeing a familiar notification:

Mina is typing...

Mina is typing...

Mina is typing...

MMina: hey Chaeng

sorry about that

my mom...

she called your mom, didn't she?

SChae: yes, she did.

why?

are you really sick?

MMina: I am

i'm in the hospital

and they have all these tubes on my wrist.

for medicine I suppose

but the doctor...

he told me i could have a something very serious

because of my pain and symptoms

SChae: my mom says they think its cancer

is that true?

MMina: ...

yes

...

and I don't know what to think

i'm scared Chaeng.

i really am

SChae: dont worry!

i'll come visit you as soon as i can!

MMina: :)

you're the best Chaeng, you know that?

i love you <3

[end of conversation]

Chaeyoung held the phone away as she typed, a tear sliding down her nose. She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling and took a deep breath. Her chest hurt. She didn't want this on her best friend. If she had the power, she'd erase the evil pathogens that caused her friend's illness so that it'd never happen. But she couldn't. It was impossible.

All she could do was was hope and pray. Plead and beg for a miracle to happen.

All she could do was wait.

For an answer.

That might never come.

Just something

Something that might save her friend.

Something that might save her.

It seemed like Mina only left the hospital for a short amount of time. She was weak and ever so pale, and when Chaeyoung went to visit her, she had to take all precautions - wearing a mask, using sanitizer every ten minutes it seemed, and her voice was hoarse and raw. It wrecked Chaeyoung's heart every time she saw what misery Mina was going through.

A couple days later, the diagnosis came back.

Stage IV Acute lymphoblastic leukemia

A rare form of cancer that affected Mina's blood, from her white blood cells to her platelets, and the immune-protecting B- and T-lymphocytes. These traits compromised her immune system and soon, she was quarantined inside her room or the hospital, because of how susceptible she was. Chaeyoung rarely got to talk to her, and even then it was video-calling or texting, never face to face like it had always been.

Chaeyoung kept a positive attitude despite the grim prognosis. She sent hand-written letters to Mina's house as often as she could. Sometimes she'd pack a box of small puzzles for Mina to fiddle with (she did love to solve things), and interesting books to read. She tried to be as affirmative as she could be, but in her heart remained one question.

Would Mina be alright?

Would she?

Chaeyoung felt like breaking down.

No. 

she had to be strong.

She needed to be strong. 

For Mina. 

For her heart.

* * *

Chaeyoung never admitted it in person to anyone, but she actually liked Mina a lot.

But not just like-liked her, she sort of love-liked her. That sort of thing. Every time she was with the quiet girl, sometimes not doing anything more than sitting in friendly silence, she could hear her heart beating, almost loudly enough that she was afraid she could hear.

 

Thub-dub

 

Thub-dub

 

Thub-dub

As Mina would talk in her usual way, only loud enough for Chaeyoung to hear what she was saying and yet too quietly for the rest of the world to catch on; Chaeyoung would feel her cheeks blush red as their heads leaned together and Mina whispered her day's inquiries about geometrical theories, the uprising of the biomedical engineering industry, and the new cat down the street (she was indeed an academically gifted student, but she loved cute things, too).

And Mina was pretty. God, she was gorgeous. Her fair skin, her auburn hair, her large eyes, her delicate lips. Chaeyoung loved every detail. She loved the way Mina blinked her eyes rapidly when trying to understand something. She loved the way she giggled faintly like the tinkle of chrystal bells. She loved Mina.

Chaeyoung's heart felt heavy. Could she? Would she be able to finally accept and admit her feelings to her precious friend? Or would she disappear before the time came? She was terrified of the future.

* * *

"Hey." Chaeyoung said as she sat next to Mina's bed in her bedroom. The girl had gotten well enough to allow (cautious) visitors, so when the chance came, Chaeyoung snatched it. Mina's face was dreadfully pale and it made the smaller girl shudder to see how thin and frail she was. Fearing that she'd break like a porcelain doll, she reached over and caressed the top of Mina's smooth white hand with her fingers. "How are you feeling?"

Mina cracked a hint of a smile, and though the bags shone dark on her wan skin, the tiny grin brightened the room like a florescent lamp.

"I feel good today, I guess. Better than chemo days, definitely." Chaeyoung winced - she knew what those treatments were like and their side effects; several hours of lying in the hospital bed motionless as it dripped through an IV and the days of adversary effects. Most of her hair had thinned drastically, and now her head was covered with a beanie to keep her warm.

"I'm glad to hear that," said Chaeyoung, swallowing hard as she looked out the window, forcing the painful lump in her throat from rising and the tears to from falling. "Please, please get better soon, Mina."

Mina sighed. "I'm trying my best, Chaengie. I really am.” She turned her face into her pillow and mumbled, “I’m just not sure if my efforts are enough. The doctors say I don’t have much time.”

“Don’t listen to them,” begged the younger girl, her chest tightening at the realization of exactly what those words meant now. The line was often used in dramas, but Chaeyoung never paid attention to it because it was a fictional story, a product of someone’s imagination. But now…now it hurt. It stung like spear of a yellow-jacket. “You are strong. You can do it!” Chaeyoung took a deep breath. “Mina, I-“

“I know.” Mina smiled weakly and nodded, closing her eyes, resting serenely. Chaeyoung watched as her chest rose and fell, methodically and evenly. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from Mina’s pale lips tinged ever so slightly with pink. She missed seeing Mina’s smile. Not the tight-lipped and forced smile she had recently become accustomed to, but the wide beam that showed both rows of her pearly whites and gummy grin. She missed it so much. 

“Come back to me, Minari,” she murmured gently, smoothing the quilt around the sick girl and standing to leave. “Come back to my arms.”

* * *

Chaeyoung was at school when her mom sent her a message via text that Mina’s condition was rapidly deteriorating and that she needed to come quickly. As soon as class was let out, she ran home as fast as her thin legs carry her.

Please. Please. PLEASE. Please let Mina be okay. Please. “We’re going to the hospital,” said her mom, her lips pressed tight. “There’s not much time, they say.” They drove in silence, and Chaeyoung had both hands clasped in front of her chest.

When they reached Mina’s room, Chaeyoung’s heart sank. Her friend lay on the bed, an oxygen mask cupping her face and various sorts of machinery placed around her bed. Mrs. Myoui was sitting next to her and clasping her hand in a firm grip, with tears shining on her worry-scarred face.

“They said…they said it might not be 24 hours…” she whispered, raising her eyes up at the mother-daughter duo. “They said...it’s taking over. It’s taking control of everything.”

“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Son placed a reassuring hand on Mrs. Myoui’s back and asked gently, “Is there anything we can do to help you?”

Mrs. Myoui shook her head and wiped her eyes, hiccupping for breath. “I just want my baby girl back.”

Chaeyoung felt a stab of anguish in her chest and for a moment she struggled not to burst into tears. But she couldn’t - she wouldn't let herself. For some reason, it didn’t feel right to share the emotions as the mother losing her daughter. It felt unfairly selfish. 

This might be the last time. This might…this might be the last time I will ever see her again. Chaeyoung realized as she stepped closer to Mina’s bed. She looked at Mina’s face and noticed the pallid condition of her complexion. When the tip of her fingers brushed against Mina’s slightly curled ones, they cold and dry, and not at all like her usual warm softness.

"Do you need a minute?" Chaeyoung looked up in surprise at Mrs. Myoui who had dried her eyes and was sitting up straight. 

"Uh, yeah..." Chaeyoung nodded awkwardly, looking at her mom for support, which she readily gave. "I only need a minute." The adults left wordlessly. 

"Mina..." She cleared her throat loudly, feeling the familiar burn in her throat and chest emerging. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there enough for you. I'm sorry for not showing my true feelings for you. I truly am sorry, Mina. Please forgive me." 

The words felt numb coming out of her mouth. She shouldn't have to be saying this. This should never have happened. "I love you, Minari, and I will miss you tremendously. Please remember me." She bent down and let her lips lightly graze Mina's cool forehead. 

* * *

The call came at 2:15 a.m on February 4th. 

* * *

Even under her heavy black wool coat, the wind cut through her bones like a razor and made her shiver. Or perhaps it wasn't the wind. Perhaps it was the heaviness in her heart that weighed down her chest like a lead brick. She had run out of tears to cry, and all that remained was the painful tightness in her throat. The atmosphere was appropriate for the day - the sky was colorless and laced with stormy cumulus clouds. The buildings surrounding the funeral home were drab, and even the winter flowers looked wilted and unhappy. It was like the world was mourning the loss of such a beautiful soul. 

She stared numbly back at the picture of Mina smiling peacefully in her frame. The room smelled heavily of grief as streams of people, ranging from young children to withered adult shuffled their way through to pay respects. Chaeyoung reached out and let the tip of her finger stained wood that contained her friend. Her hand wandered over the delicately carved curlicues engraving the hard cherry-wood. 

I love you, my dear Mina. The words left her lips soundlessly. 

I love you like I've loved no other. 

I will love you like no other. 

Truly rest in peace, Minari. 

Sleep well. 

The next few days were hardest for Chaeyoung. She tried hard to accept the loss, but it was like her mind couldn't wrap around the fact that it had happened. 

Mina was gone. 

There were no more cheerful laughs to greet her when she reached school. No more random conversations about histology, the components of trigonometry, or the discussion of cross-stitching. No more sharing of girlish secrets. No more exchange of silly notes. 

There was nothing, Chaeyoung realized as she stepped foot for the first time in her school after Mina's departure. Nothing. 

At least the dull work eased her mind off the subject as she jotted through her notes and listening half-heartedly to the lectures. But they didn't ease the miserable emptiness in her heart. Nothing, it seemed, would ever heal that part of her. 

* * *

Sitting on her bed in the emptiness of her room, Chaeyoung pulled out her phone and began to glumly browse through the various assortments of her apps. Nothing had appeal, she skipped through the games, movies, e-books and whatever else might've entertained her on a normal day, normal month, normal year. She sighed. 

Even her favorite app, Tumblr*, held no invitation as she tapped on it just for the sake of doing something. Anything to distract herself from her emotions. (Of course, Tumblr probably wasn't the best of ideas, she admitted.)

Scrolling through the feed, she paused for a moment to admire a couple of detailed and beautiful art posts and sighed again. She remembered spending amiable amounts of time showing each other ridiculous pictures and laughing their hearts out. Those were the good times. 

As she smiled wistfully though some cat memes she was sure Mina would've, a notification popped up and she tapped it. 

 _Hi Chaeyoung._ < posted by MSharonMina > 

She frowned and her brow furrowed as she brought the phone closer to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks with her. Mina had just posted to her. But how? It was impossible. 

"Ugh, that stupid Kai is probably playing jokes with me," she thought furiously, hunching over. Kai was Mina's older brother and often teased the two friends whenever he could. Then another notification pinged. 

 _I'm probably gone when you read this. Chaeyoung's eyes widened. No... But I want to let you know how much I appreciate you. I do._ < posted by MSharonMina > 

"Mina..." Chaeyoung gulped. "Why, Mina?" 

*ping* 

 _Chaengie_ (Chaeyoung smiled at the use of her Mina-exclusive nickname) _. Can I admit something to you?_ < posted by MSharonMina > 

"What is it, Minari?" Chaeyoung whispered, almost feeling as if she was talking to her friend instead of the flat screen of her smartphone. She was shocked Mina had taken so much time to do something so extensive just to tell her last words. Mina had been sick. Mina had been dying. And yet she still...

*ping* 

 _Chaeyoung, I kind of..._ < posted by MSharonMina > 

"What is it!?" Chaeyoung nearly shouted, almost in tears from an anxiety. The wait was tearing at her nerves. 

*ping* 

She scrolled to see the new post and her heart nearly stopped. 

 _Chaeyoung, I like you._  < posted by MSharonMina > 

Chaeyoung didn't notice the phone fall out of her hands as the realization hit her. Mina had really said it. She had really written it. The breath hitched in her throat as she hiccuped for breath. Her vision was blurring. Or was it her mind? Her mind had gone hazy. 

*ping* 

Her hands trembled as she picked the buzzing device and slowly opened the page again. 

 _I guess I kind of had a crush on you._  [Chaeyoung blushed, she had, too, with Mina.] You always looked so cool and confident. I kind of wished I had the poise you always did. I wish I could've told you in person, but here it is. When I'm gone, please remember these words. Chaeyoung, I love you. <  posted by MSharonMina > 

"Mina..." Chaeyoung could feel the tears welling and sliding down her cheeks as she sat in a crumbled heap on her bed. She didn't even care if she was talking to herself now. She still couldn't believe it. 

Mina. 

Her best friend. 

Reciprocated feelings. 

Tears. 

More tears. 

Even more tears. 

Soon, it seemed like her bed's cover was a spotted mess of wet spots from the streams running down her cheeks, but she was smiling. She even felt like laughing. Yes, she was sad, but her chest felt like. Where did the lead brick go? Where did the tightness recede to? She didn't know. 

It felt like the hole in her heart had been sewed closed. Not completely, but she felt better. She sniffed hard and tried to stop the outburst. She wanted to show Mina how strong she was. How much that message meant to her. She wanted Mina to see that she loved her too. 

She curled onto her side and hugged that blessed device to her chest, a faint smile plastered over her face. That note had given her so much hope. So much more strength. 

*ping* 

Chaeyoung stared at the new notification, wondering what more Mina could have wanted to say. She burst out laughing, this time a full out belly laugh, hearty and clear, echoing against the walls of her room. She laughed and giggled and wiped the mirth from her eyes. 

Now go back to looking at cat memes! This is the end. Don't come to visit me anytime soon. ;) < posted by MSharonMina > 

"Thank you." Chaeyoung breathed. "Thank you, and I love you. Rest well, my love." 

Her finger reached forward. She tapped the little heart below the message. She would remember this for years and years and years. 

No. 

She'd always remember. 

**The End.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. This is your author speaking. This fan-fiction actually tugged at my heartstrings. If you're familiar with any of my other works, I tend to write angst a lot. It's a genre I can enjoy writing because it requires my brain to think more. How would a person actually feel in a situation such as that? It gives me the ability to relate. However, I don't usually cry or have strong feelings when writing. But this? This I teared up. I hope you feel the emotions I intended to input into my theme. I had my grandpa who died of lung cancer, and some of these are actually how I reacted. I actually tried to cry, but...I couldn't. It's a weird thing. You know you need to, but you can't. 
> 
> Anyways, before I get you all emotional again, I hope you enjoyed the stories and please give me feedback what you actually felt. Please have a wonderful day/night wherever you are. Please know that if you're going through a tough time, I'm always here to talk. You can even just comment on one of my stories. Don't suffer in silence. 
> 
> Love,  
> WHIMWriter


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